He flung back the curtains and he squinty-squinty-squinted
The sun was shiny-shiny-shining just as the astrologers hinted
Spooky how that happens. You see Norman Gimble didn’t know the sun was shining until his favourite online astrologer pinged him. ‘Today you are the Sun and the world moves around you.’ At £1.50 a daily ping, might I add.
Well, I say astrologer, but more likely a pieceworker, sometimes writing horoscopes, sometimes fortune cookies. Generally using the same 8 words.
Of course the weather man on the radio had already been enthusing for hours about red hot sun for the whole population, but let’s not allow meteorological facts get in the way of a good old ‘stars aligning’ myth.
Couldn’t open his eyes and see for himself
Needed magic dust from an internet elf
In any case, it wasn’t the blinding morning sun, blasting through the crack in the curtains, that awoke our intrepid meme-ster, nor was it a billion alarm clock ring-a-ding-dings or the incessant cock-a-doodle-doos from just down the lane.
Norman Gimble… was awake all night, hugging his dancing vibrating phone, emotionally lured by its endless sexy ping-ping-pings. Shamelessly cradling this Android Bible, firmly against his puny chest and probably, more than ever so likely, doing kiss practise on it.
Norman Gimble… a man living a notification led life, his inverted chest a pound-pound-pounding, with each treasured nugget of social media wisdom. And right now is no exception, as his desperately needed horoscope drops from stars to inbox as regular and punctual as his daily bowel movements. Oh and oh boy, todays enlightenment is gold, is the jackpot, is simple and powerful. S.S.S.
No… not Special Snowflake Syndrome you cheeky readers. And certainly not Super Secret Spy. Just the good old generic Sun, Sex and Spondulix. Surely every cliché-mans dream, even half men like Norman Gimble.
Finally!!! Will he find true love and marriage with his Princess next door at last? Be gifted a financial freedom, like even more than welfare gives him right now? Wow, unimaginable, like even more money than welfare!!
Well, of course, again, just on time, as always seems to happen when the great forces above align, a text confirmation pops on his screen, ‘Welfare has hit the bank’ and another week around the poverty line is guaranteed. Fist pump. Norman has to smile to himself, he knows this is probably the last time he will get this message now he’s about to become filthy rich.
‘Oh yesssssss, I say, today, today. The red hot sun is here – Strike one. My welfare check is here- Strike two. And and and could strike three, really really really be, that today today today, she finally let me get lay lay laid. Like. Do it. In person. For real. Boom’
And Norman Gimble does that dance,
the dance that once you catch a glance,
well it puts you in a jaw dropping trance.
The image that follows, its hard to shake,
the trance it puts you in, impossible to break,
and so you know you must have cake.
Because that word also rhymes.
You know that dance… the one the Hollywood movies usually give to the goofy kid of the gang.
‘It’s your birthday’
Because that’s Norman Gimble.
Well it is if you delete the word ‘Hollywood’ and the word ‘Gang.’
And replace ‘goofy kid’ with ‘freaky muppet’.
Anyway listen up here, I guess you cynics out there will say, there’s little if any proof relating to astrology, but as Norman Gimble bounces down the stairs, whistling and stumbling, giggling and toe stubbing; you have to admit that a random factory worker, the other side of the world, using a free internet translate and thesaurus app, has actually fired up this freaky muppets inner dolphins, and, and for a brief moment inspired him maybe? could we even be as bold to say packed up and shipped off that crazy psychosis of his for a few hours?
And that my friend is the grab and grip,
of the new age internet therapy trick.
As long as you’re ready to take the meme
and twist its words to fit your dream,
then surely its worth every penny fleeced.
Who is anyone else to judge how you get your hope? Be they a cheeky slimy fraudster faking hope or a super qualified Medic with letters and certificates, faking hope. Its up to you where you place your happiness tokens. But be sure not to miss out on any.
Those stares never leave the sticky cracked screen,
matchsticks on eye lids ready for all media scenes.
The soul on standby fully braced,
for more golden positive inspirational waste.
Any how.. forget hope for now and imagine reality for a moment…. Norman Gimble sitting in just his underpants at a table for one. Gazing blankly, grinning inanely, dipping the string of his last tea bag in and out a cup of hot water. Normans reality. Normans 24/7. Tea bag up, tea bag down, up and down with one hand, the other hand tick-tick-ticking the dips on his tea bag monitoring pad. Yes tea bag monitoring pad. Everyone in England has one. Tea bag maximization is a thing. Still another 15 tasteless dips yet. But there’s plenty of milk, once you’ve squashed and watered down the lumps,
‘Soooooo’ the radio weather man bellows, exuding positivity because he can, as an actual human being, talking to actual people in radio land, ‘get out and enjoy the sun, make the most of it while you can and ……..’
Then the radio gets all muffled, when the phone goes ping-ping-ping, Norman Gimble looks all ruffled, glaring at that radio thing, quizzical face, but not wanting to squabble, ‘Did weather guy just say give your head a wobble?’
‘Yes. Yes I did. And now over to Gertrude with the traffic.’ laughs the radio man, as the whole thing starts to feel very hippy, and 1970s magic roundabout trippy.
EX GF
‘A wobble indeed, why give it a shake? My horoscope say everything is just great.’ In Norms eyes he has two out of three and his Princess next door holds the ecstasy key. For number three. He is so like OMG OMG OMG because that’s how the modern day Meme shows its glee. Although it’s unnervingly weird if you see him actually behave like that live. When I say weird I mean creepy.
‘Oh no’ gasps Norman Gimble, ever so sadramatically, when his phone ping-ping-pings ‘She’s dumped me’ he sighs and it sting-sting-stings. ‘Too much time scratching your arse and posting ridiculous memes and conspiracies on social media Norman Gimble.’ She says. I’ve heard worse. She probably couldn’t be bothered to go into too much detail. Maybe it was a copy and paste thing going on with her.
But….. having said all the above. Lets never underestimate the power of positive thinking, especially with such a glorious opportunity, as a heart breaking break up, perfect chance to shoe horn a new dream into the meme, when you need to interlope the horoscope.
And you know, Norman Gimble is a past master at manipulating the dream and those big bright dopey eyes smile wide and luminous as his gears grind, ‘Maybe the horoscope is right god dam it. Clear out the old and be ready for the new, find my actual ‘true love’. Yesssss. The Lord sure does move in mysterious ways.’ Yes this must be the work of the Lord.
Mean while in a factory the other side of the world, the indifferent underpaid worker moves desks from writing Horoscopes to shady firework safety labels stating ‘do not stick up your arse and light.’ Maybe one day Norman Gimble will share a relatable MEME for this, or maybe he wont be able to sit down for a while.
‘I rest my case’ the Princess next door replies to Normans gracious assessment of her dumping him ‘he will miss her but understands, because his stars are guiding him to SSS today.
‘I will always love what we had’ which if he does is rather sad, ‘And I’ll see you each morning over the picket fence’ which I’m sure made her choke and feel extra super tense.
‘I have a new wall you need to stay over, its tough but its fair this restraining order’ states the Princess, matter of fact. Wow he thinks loudly she was fast to act. ‘And stop using a glass on my wall to spy, its really creepy when you scrape and cry’
‘A restraining order? You managed that quick?’ he said with a cracked heart and a little taste of sick.
‘Yes he is doing me now, really knows his stuff. Brains and money and his own handcuffs.’
Too much information Norman Gimble thinks, and a little bit mean, he walks to the wall, puts the glass away to clean. He wipes off the kiss marks and whispers I miss you. He looks lost and tearful kicking the piles of dry tissue.
Well as the great philosopher Monty Python once sang, ‘always look on the bright side of life’… and…. if MEMES had taught Norman Gimble anything at all, they had certainly taught him, all this kind of nonsensical bullshit can be polished, and boxed up with a pretty ribbon.
After all…. there’s still sunshine and a few spondulix, well a few more than when Norman went to bed last night.
But on a tough day, in case of emergency, we always have the comfort of smashing the glass and breaking out a cliché or two. ‘These days are sent to try us’ or any banality you care to throw around.
In any case, on todays evidence, hopefully, desperately hopefully ‘something will turn up, its written in the stars, isn’t it?’ Maybe, though generally in real life you fall smash on your arse. Norman Gimble is an arse half full kind of guy.
But eventually we always find that bullshit button. Some call it re framing. Mainly those who don’t want tell you about it until you’ve paid for at least 15 hourly Therapy sessions. Could have told you on day one and that would have been nice and easy considering it had only taken me less than 2000 words to get here. But of course that doesn’t pay for big cars and jet skis. I’m letting you have this one for free. I don’t need a jet ski, and if I did I know where I can get some for free.
‘Yes yes he says this is what it means, she did me a favour keeping it in my jeans.’ Norman Gimble shouts from his window proudly. ‘She is so thoughtful, loving and adorably, her gift to me is she ensured my true purity.’ Yeah that’s what it was Norman Gimble. She deliberately kept you a virgin, keeping you pure and chaste, just in case, your actual true love would show. Good on the girl.
‘Give your head a wobble’ laughs a voice from outside, the man in just pants down her drainpipe he slides.
And so it appears, the day gets better and better…. the stars and Universe and many other things with names floating in space, have finally made her release him into freedom and a future with limitless magic.
INFLUENCER
No way could things improve? Could they? Well then just when he thought things couldn’t get any better…. up pops a Meme from his favourite jet-setter.
Norman Gimble excitedly freezes, with a billion OMG’s stuttering and sausage fingers fluttering, he twists and turns his screen, savours every angle of her MEME It’s one of those days you can just not imagine, when all the higher powers align and it’s as if all the Gods are watching over you at the same time and fighting each other to give you the best gift ever, trying to out do each other for your favour.
Most people in the fraud business would class it as the old basic selling and exploiting mailing lists of the vulnerable needy and gullible. But thankfully for them there naughty types, most people don’t think so dark, they like to think instead of a shiny bearded God in a long dress being kind, as opposed to well you know.. insert your own stereotype in your mind so I can avoid all manner of accusations.
So like wow, his favourite influencer, has like gone all out super power pozzy happy today with what surely must be meme of the century.
Show the meme
He kiss-kiss-kisses over and over the meme on his screen. ‘You are such a heavenly gift Missy CocoaHeart15, you brighten my day, each day, every day, every way, with your wisdom’ he types in the comment box, under todays amazing MEMEnto, gazing adoringly at her angelic face smiling so cheekily back at him, and his heart melts even more, when he sees she has liked his comment.
I for one am so excited for him as I type this, so it’s little wonder…
Norman begins to waltz all around the room,
so happy and proud like spring in bloom,
these moments he loves, wants to feel all the time,
but for a narrator like me it’s so fucking hard to rhyme.
You know when you start something, with best interests at heart,
and think to yourself I believe this is art,
but then you get half way wishing it would end soon,
I shouldn’t have chosen Dr Seuss to lampoon.
But then miraculously Norman Gimble goes more lamentable and less poetical as his Goddess influencer’s account sadramatically goes offline almost straight after she (?) posted his life changing meme.
No sweat thinks Norman Gimble, she must be on a photo shoot, or something, in Hollywood, with like the King of America or something. Thankfully Norman is blissfully unaware that Missy CocoaHeart15, really known to his friends as Benny J, dropped his phone down the toilet as he was clearing out lasts night tacos and margaritas. It would take a lot of rice to dry that phone out.
But how true that meme is he says out loud,
nod-nod-nodding his head, feeling so smug and proud,
and he shares it to all his social media chums,
because they all love a good kiss of each others bums.
(Up yours Seuss, that’s Modern Art right there)
Then… still shaking his head at how that Greek God could possibly know I am me, that I am my wealth and health, the comments begin to appear on his shared MEMEnto. The theoretical debate begins. And trust me a glowing Mr Confident Norman Lucky Gimble is ready to gloat.
Hairydoughnut762 ‘What Greek God? Sounds like bollocks to me’
Mightychevvy ‘What’s up Hun. DM me’
Lennygreenchops15 ‘Who’s this?’
Ieatknuckles8000BC ‘It’s literally like some Greek God who did or didn’t exist, who may or may not have ever used those words, in those orders, who was or wasn’t misinterpreted over the centuries, who has or hasn’t got his own tacky merch in a museum shop, is like reading your mind bro.’
And then… without any warning, aside of course from the stars aligning and thunderous higher powers all predicting this very loudly and colourfully, silly forgetting the aligning stars, here began the very moment when ‘A Greek God’ played its hand….. right there, on the comments section of the meme post, for all to see.
CATFISH
HotbabeforU ‘Did we just like intensely connect then? DM me babes’
‘Wait. What?’ Norman Gimble gasped as a little bit of pee, stronger than his tea, escaped for all to see. But no ones there, so why should he care.
His chaotic mind really goes to the whacky races reading this comment. Literally only minutes have passed since the girl next door freed him for his one true love search, he didn’t even realise he wanted a new true love until todays stars aligned and the internet rats deciphered them for him. And now that word, connect.
‘Can’t waste another moment without her in my life, now that I have found her’ he said excitedly as he obeys her command and sausage fingers a scrambled DM to her (?). Hanging himself out like a vultures prey.
‘I hope you don’t mind me inturding (sic) on your intents (sic) caht (sic) with your fiends (sic)’ replies HotbabeforU faster than it takes to type the reply, ‘but I saw your profile pic and some of your inspinentional (sic) posts and I just well I know it sounds mad but I fell in love with you. I might be your one true love. Lets do this. The thing is I’m in another country and need you to send me the money to fly over to you so we can get married and have like awesome sex and kids and like watch the stars on your car bonnet or something.’
‘Holy F**K’, he actually said out loud for the first time in his life. He’d heard some moody chef say it… something about hot spicy wings. Assumed it was like praise the Lord.. complimenting some tasty things. And breathlessly he claps and dances, kind of like he is robotic, he hasn’t felt this fluid and shaky, since he was forced to give up narcotics. (Shoe horn poetry at its finest. There is absolutely no need for this paragraph in any form. If this was a word count exam, this would all be deleted first.)
At this point you would like to use the phrase ‘against his better judgement’ but having never been known for displaying any form of judgement, other than always belly flopping right in the mix, no matter how big the red flags are, then his final decision makes perfect sense.
A confident nod of the head. An assured raise of the right eyebrow. A deep breath out. And the verbatim suicide note ‘I really am going to trust my heart on this one’
Well what could possibly go wrong? Norman Gimble can’t see any possible down side to this, just like all those drunken decisions in the past which had led him to this present day paradise of desperation.
‘It’s time to find my true love, we can find riches together’ he says out loud, his tongue flapping across the front of his face as he types his reply to her (?) and OMG she (?) is red hot, her photos are like wow wow wow. And trust me, a billion likes on Scamstagram cant be wrong.
‘So yes lets do this. I love you too. I only have a few pounds welfare money to send to you, so it might not be enough but lets trust love. Ready and waiting your reply my love.’
‘Phew slow down boy, whoa there cowboy’ he giggles out loud. Too much luck and love and happy action going on for one guy in one day, he smarms strutting around clicking his fingers trying to work out if you say now would be a good time to say booyackasha, as he had mirror practised all these years. It kind of sounds like something you’d say being lucky gangsta. Which of course would be the polar opposite term you would use describing Norman Gimble.
But of course as with all good men, guilt kicks in a little when Norman Gimble begins searching inside his soul, as he awaits a reply from the love of his life. Should one man really be taking all the luck in the world when so many people out there need it more?
If only there was a sign he thinks, staring at his feet, searching his big toe for a reason to be happy…. Of course this is as perfect a time as any to receive a text message through from your AA sponsor with todays inspirational uplifting ‘make sure you don’t drink’ threat.
– You deserve to be happy. Be brave and find your own happiness, accept that you cant do this for anyone else, they need to find their own.-
Yess yess yes it is right, an AA protection buddy is always right, this couldn’t be any clearer and more appropriate. ‘So what you are saying is I should take the happiness if its offered me shouldn’t I? There is nothing I can do for others if they cant help themselves, and when I am happy, I am a better example for them aren’t I?’
‘Yes that’s the spirit.’ came the reply from his sponsor making Norman Gimble feel watched over and safe ‘Fuck em all. Just don’t have a drink or any drugs today. And probably avoid gambling and porn too. You’re on the edge of a mess there so don’t really look up at anything today’ the wise Sponsor manages to send before passing out pissed. Actually he should have sent this last month but you know how it is.
Feeling so blessed Norman Gimble pulls up his creased jeans and stained creased t shirt and proudly in full strut mode, waddles off outside and down the street, whistling in a shrill way like a 1930s Disney character, narrowly avoiding lamp posts and parked cars with his face buried in his phone waiting for HotbabeforU to take his hand on lead him to heaven and back.
‘Sorry it took me so long to reply, my phone was in rice.’ Pings the message back from the new love of his life. Wow, a phone in rice, how exotic. ‘Oh no it’s bad you only have welfare to pay for my travel to come marry you but that’s OK I’ve just remembered I can get the train, send me what you have.’ This makes his heart feel so full, she (?) is so much more understanding than that very mean girl next door.
‘But what about food and toilet paper?’ messages Norman Gimble.
‘What???’
‘How will we afford them if I send you every penny of my welfare?’ ponders a concerned Norman Gimble and reasonably so, as those of us who have already found our one true love can testify, love is great but you will still need food and toilet paper too.
‘We don’t need material things when we have love.’ HotbabeforU bluntly replies. Fair point maybe and having never been in love before Norman Gimble wouldn’t know whether or not you stop using food and toilet paper when you have complete happiness anyway.
‘I am sending you my bank details now’ Norman Gimble replies trusting his heart ‘I cant bear another moment without you.. please hurry to the train station to meet me’
‘Yeah sure, on the train now.’ the Hotbabe promises.
THERAPIST
Let me tell you this. It doesn’t end there. Like you thought it would. Just when Norman Gimble couldn’t imagine things would get any better, his Therapists number appears on his screen, calling with good news, nay, outstanding news. Or as Sheila the receptionist mumbled unconvincingly, gold medal podium news.
Being the first face in the reception area at The therapists ‘suite’, Sheila was ‘encouraged’ to put the often anxious clients at ease with her warm persona. It wasn’t easy for Sheila who mostly looked as if she was a bulldog chewing a mouthful of wasps. All throwing hand grenades at each other.
‘There’s a scheme going on’ Sheila grunted on the other end of the phone ‘where the most amazing patients, like you, can claim free therapy sessions from the NHS. 12 amazing sessions that will basically cure your psycho-ness.’
Wow wow wow when do we start? You know what I mean. Norman, like most of us, would never look a gift horse in the mouth, even if it did look like it was chewing a mouthful of wasps.
It doesn’t stop there, as Sheila explains, and the loving Godly kindness of the Therapist, really touches Norman Gimble deep down, and this time he’s not even hypnotised.
The amazing news she says is the Therapist has a fantastic idea for Norman Gimble to benefit from the free sessions without having to do anything at all, from the comfort of his own home! All he needs to do is just drop in next week and sign the form at reception so they can claim the payment, from the Government for it, on his behalf, stored in their bank, and everyone is happy. Stay at home cure, just like that.
Oh yes to my stars he smiles as he does that robotic thing again, in the street, people watching, mums pulling children out the way, a man in a van throwing a milkshake at him as he passes by. Missed of course pouts Norman Gimble with a wry grin under the stars protective umbrella.
Nothing will phase this man on a mission now, as he bounces his way to the train station to meet his soon to be wife, who of course seems just as excited to meet her (?) soon to be husband too, and he skips-skip-skips with delight as she messages again. ‘I want to break free’ by Queen the notification sound. Indeed.
‘Got the money baby’ she (?) begins ‘but there wasn’t enough for the train and now I missed the train but I can get a plane and they said they’ll drop me at the train station so you don’t get messed about. They said its a super duper amazing plane which is like our destiny because we are super duper in love.’
How could Norman Gimble not agree with this. I mean it’s been a super duper day. I mean hell if we have to get a super duper rocket ship we will. And here’s the clever, solution busting part, because if you were, like I, thinking the small matter of no more welfare money was going to be an issue, then think again. Thankfully his super duper clever new love has a suggestion… maybe an older and more vulnerable member of the family might have the money?
This is literally heart melting stuff, like, Oscar winning scene stuff. I know its only words on a messenger but Norman Gimble feels every gasp and beat of her (?) heart as they work together as a devoted tag team straining to find a solution to these hurdles of true love.
She (?) says ‘OMG Nan sounds amazing I cant wait to meet her but we should not tell her anything just yet, wait, so we can surprise visit her and have balloons in the shape of hearts and everything.’
And Norman Gimble smiles to the heavens at this blessing, finding some one so caring about his fragile Nan. A Nan who loves surprises and balloons.
To be honest it’s not often a Narrator gets so emotionally attached to a story but I’m not ashamed to say, I’m feeling a little emotional too, my Nan loved balloons and surprises too. Her little hairy face.
‘Nan means the world to me’ Norman opens up to HotbabeforU.
‘To me too, I feel like I’ve known her for years, and I didn’t want to mention this to you until I made sure you were proper and made sure you loved me for who I am and not my wealth but I have an Uncle who is going to transfer us the money to buy a house for our wedding and I want Nan to live with us, she can have her own room and even hire an inhouse stylist just for making her hair go blue and the TV will show murder she wrote 24 hours a day. And we will pay her every penny back. Like tomorrow. So send all she has now. Lets do this’
Can this day get any better, there’s the riches right there. Didn’t expect that wonderful twist did you, all you haters and doubters? All those people today, all having his back. Thinking of him randomly with memes and quotes that can be twisted anyway you need them to be twisted. Oh and by the way, throw in a mega hot bride and rich Uncle.
I just might be the luckiest man in the world Norman Gimble thinks in a reflective moment, standing, head held high, breathing deeply, taking in the joy and hope of life before walking into his Nans apartment block. This truly is the greatest day of his life.
HOBO
‘Hey you’ someone shouts from across the street, well more growls from a croaky tobacco ravaged throat. Norman doesn’t hear at first, well maybe doesn’t register that the calls are directed at him, but then after a few times he looks over to see a kind of scruffy, maybe Trampy Hobo, obviously staggering drunk and waving his hands around trying to point in Norman’s direction.
‘I haven’t got any change until the love of my life gets here’ Norman shouts back with great pride, puffing his chest out.
The Hobo type furiously waves his hands and shouts almost inaudibly. ‘Get the fuck out of there’ the Hobo shouts aggressively, red face dramatic angry shouting.
Well well huffs Norman Gimble, there’s no need for that, I mean does Norman look like a man trying to steal a Tramps begging patch? No wonder his AA sponsor encouraged him to search for his own path this morning. Some people really can’t be helped by the looks of things.
‘Get the fuck out of there’ the Tramp screams stumbling fast and aggressively towards Norman Gimble, but as a matter of principle Norman stands firm on the spot, because if he had learned anything from today, it was to choose wisely the wise choices you make, and an angry smelly man would never be the same use as A Greek God or a quickly knocked together philosophical MEME.
‘In fact’ shouted Norman ‘let me tell you something Mr Tramp…….’
He didn’t have time to finish his wise sentence. The piano dropped from a great cliched height and splattered Normans brains all over the street, and all up the glass front door to his Nans apartment.
Oh my that went a bit dark, a bit fast.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY
So, on reflection, and it’s only my interpretation, the Hobo was the only person Norman Gimble could physically see. Oh and smell, really, really smell. Despite being insanely drunk and having obvious psychosis, poor hygiene and an aggressive manner, the Hobo, with hindsight, had the most useful information of the day. He was offering the Gift of Life.
Now the lesson here isn’t necessarily that Hobo’s are our saviour, that one lick of that Hobo glitter will bring about a successful and happy life. If a Hobo walks the streets claiming to be the Messiah, which they generally do, it doesn’t mean they are. Or are not.
For me the moral of this story is simple. If someone you don’t know is asking for money then tell them to piss off out the way, and if a Hobo tells you there’s a piano falling on your head then piss off out the way. But everyone will see this differently, some might feel the piano is the hero. Dark. Some might feel we shouldn’t judge the Hotbabe. Well just because a man pretends to be a woman to defraud people of their savings doesn’t mean they too don’t have rights and feelings. It is whatever you make it.
NB Nan wasn’t ripped off during the writing of this blog. She doesn’t exist to be honest. In fact none of the characters within this blog exist, so any likeness to people you know or who are trying to rip you off right now is purely coincidental. And if you are the one doing the ripping off. Stop it. Its very naughty.