I have lost count of the amount of times my psychiatrist has muttered the phrases ‘with the benefit of hindsight’ and ‘if only we knew then, what we know now.’
I’m not sure if these are stock phrases the white coats learn at ‘medical expert school’ or they are purely conversation fillers he trots out ‘just’ for me – born out of confusion or disinterest.
“With the benefit of hindsight, Mr Bugle; maybe as a little boy when your family and teachers considered you to be a child who was a big daydreamer, and often characterized you by having an overly vivid imagination and tendency to spend a significant amount of time lost in your thoughts or fantasies; knowing what we know, and if only they knew then, what we know now, maybe there was more too it than day dreaming.”
That’s scientific talk for taking the patient, or as we are now called ‘client’, from cute daydreaming child to psychotic hallucinating adult. Which is disappointing. I mean can’t I still be cute? Have my head in the clouds? A vivid imagination?
Oh no. Not since we have discovered hindsight.
“The invisible friend you had as a child Mr Bugle? It could never have been a cute little puppy that you would chase playfully around the garden, laughing as if you were a mini Doctor Doolittle translating woofs for wise words and jokes. Oh no Mr Bugle. It was an auditory hallucination. Probably a demonic dragon rather than a puppy. And may I add, probably a very lucky escape for your family and those around you.”
He didn’t say that obviously. But I knew he was thinking it… my demonic dragon told me. It didn’t. Because it doesn’t exist. And no amount of expert medical school training can prove other wise. Which is the beauty of insanity, if I may be so glib.
Now when I use hindsight the way I feel hindsight should be used, I feel that to go from an innocent youth of vivid imagination and fluffy made up friends to an ‘achtung achtung’ scary adult, is a pretty big leap. I for one am not going to speculate about conspiracy theories of medical experts having to justify their jobs and / or pharmacists having sales targets, but what I am going to ask is – can’t I just be a daydreaming invisible friend kind of guy? Instead of an ‘issue’?
Essentially I am not so different to that child I used to be, other than time has gathered pace and my fresh face is now a wrinkled face.
Yes I have hindsight as the expert does and yes I do know what I know now which I didn’t know then. (Still following me?)
I’m not blaming the medical experts, despite my well documented despair at their glaring inconsistencies. I know they have a very hard process to navigate in these modern times, as mental health is constantly trending, and they have to establish if someone genuinely is in need of support or are using the system for a day off work or for claiming welfare benefits or to stay out of jail, or even to get more likes. Yes more likes, I said it. Mental health in general is very hard to prove or disprove because its essence is invisible.
No one else can hear the voices I hear inside my head, or see the puppy (demonic dragon) I can see. Therefore I might be making it up. Or I may not. It may all be louder and more chaotic than I am letting on. Or it may only ‘happen’ when I want to get out of swimming lessons at school. Who knows.
Well I do.
With hindsight, knowing what I know now, things may make a lot more sense and experience may have taught me how to handle these ‘moments’ but nothing really changes. It is what it is. And humans adapt.
Quoting from the medical experts themselves about daydreaming children with invisible friends. Things to look out for! Suspicions of a child being a child. – “They may appear to be inattentive or distracted, as their mind frequently wanders away from the present moment. These children often exhibit creative and imaginative qualities, as daydreaming allows them to explore new ideas and scenarios in their minds.”
Yes.
Creative exploration.
The way humankind grows.
Albert Einstein ascribed the theory of relativity to a dream he had as a young boy so I truly am in great company as I too was a young boy with dreams. Slightly different dreams and very different hairstyle but nonetheless, I am basically a genius too, with hindsight.
Thomas Edison credited his discovery of electricity to his dream. Elias Howe sourced his invention of the sewing machine to his dreams. The planet Uranus was discovered by William Herschel in a dream (my favourite ever dream for obvious reasons). A dream led Otto Loewi to a Nobel Prize for his contribution to medicine.
I have heard of all of those things they invented, and who knows, if I had been born before these people, maybe my dreams would have led to these inventions. No one can prove otherwise. I am literally a slow sperm away from being a genius instead of an ‘issue’.
Paul McCartney praised his dreams for his multi-platinum song, Yesterday. The movie, Avatar, was dreamed in vivid detail by director, James Cameron.
Stravinsky, Wagner, and Beethoven heard musical compositions, from fragments to entire canons, in their dream. Mendeleyev beheld the complete periodic table in his dream.
Most of my ideas arrive this way. Admittedly none of the songs in my head make the charts, in fact some have almost got me sectioned, but I know this field of hindsight better than most, and there for the grace of a severely badly wired head goes my creations.
Thomas Jefferson and John Adams attributed the philosophy contained within the Declaration of Independence to their dreams. I often dream of a freedom that far transcends anything history could wave at me. In my head is world peace. It just hasn’t worked out an escape route yet. But when it does. Well. You better be wearing a helmet and elbow pads.
All the above are super heroes for daydreaming. None of us know how they are wired under their skulls so we have no idea of discovering how fine the line is between their creative genius and a man walking around the garden with an imaginary puppy dragon.
However. And yes here is the however. The medical experts go on to add, just for balance and to rain on my parade – “While daydreaming can be a normal and healthy part of childhood, excessive daydreaming might impact a child’s ability to focus on tasks at hand, complete assignments, or engage in conversations. It’s essential to strike a balance between imagination and practical responsibilities to ensure a child’s overall development. Parents and educators can support and channel a daydreamer’s creativity by providing outlets for expression, encouraging artistic activities, and fostering an environment that values both imagination and focus when needed.”
Or you could just buy the child a pad and pen and let them write that song or design that light bulb. Normally when you leave parents and educators in charge of ‘providing’ and ‘encouraging’ it generally involves being shoved in a room out of the way. My childhood was before social media so I feel for the modern day daydreaming dragon caring child. Or should I be jealous? If only social media was available to parents and educators when I was a mini Doctor Doolittle? I could have gone missing for weeks instead of days. And got a lot more done.
Of course just for balance, and I am a very balanced kind of guy, when it suits me – some people with imaginary friends, who spend all day fantasizing and talking to voices inside their mind, don’t go on to invent light bulbs and popular Netflix series.
They become kidnappers and cannibals. Fridges full of body parts and neighbours complaining about the smell through the vents. That’s only some. And maybe as a result of this they eventually get a Netflix series created about their life story, but I am pretty sure that wouldn’t have been their intention at the start. I must add I have no evidence to back this up.
I did try to research the above wild claims – How many children who like to daydream and have an imaginary friend then go on to kidnap and eat people.
I didn’t find a definitive answer for you, and stopped searching when I heard some bells going off which I assume was the secret service. That’s my Pavlov’s dog kind of moment. Bells doesn’t mean dinner time to me. It really doesn’t. I can’t eat with all that noise.
Still. As you can see. I have long since been fascinated by the ‘medical experts’ processes of fumbling through a diagnosis with a starting point of ‘cute child like quirks’ and a finish line of ‘worrying full blown psychotic tendencies.’ I am also acutely aware that it’s a minefield to wander through. Really there is no way they will ever understand or relate to hallucination even if they have genuinely experienced it themselves. The Top Trumps Insanity card game is limitless. We have a status quo to maintain here.
Even those who daily live with a mind wired this way could never comprehend the levels of another, who has a mind wired this way. For me, with hindsight and knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t bother trying to analyse too much. To get a diagnosis name for a feeling or ‘condition’. I would wander past the opinions of others, hands in pockets, whistling a happy tune.
Of course it isn’t all a bed of roses being psychotic, enduring 24/7 auditory and visual hallucinations, with screams bouncing around your head like a wall of death. I don’t want you leaving these pages thinking its all champagne and strawberries and wishing you could just have my head for a week.
No Sir. It isn’t all white beaches and clear seas being insane.
But it is what it is, and there are often gems found in the most unlikeliest of places.
Creativity may come at a cost.
Hindsight has shown me that cost.
Knowing what I know now is all about game management.
Risk and reward.
That’s the benefit of hindsight.